Aries:
March 21 - April 19
As I was walking once, there was a man of great opulence who met me on the
street there. Though he spoke to me concerning a variety of
interesting topics, his gesticulations and constant frenzied talk
provoked little response from my person, for alas I was hurried to
meet my destination. With haste I discarded the gentleman and
continued on my way. Later, I pondered the meaning of the man's golden
cane, which bore the Ram of Aries. As he radiated wealth so shall you,
my friends.
Lucky number: 12
Taurus:
April 20 - May 20
And upon you shall the weight of the world rest. You shall carry it
with fortitude borne of wisdom - and that, even, coupled with the
strength of a hundred men - and I trust you shall wield it with vigor.
Take this, good Taurus, and be of it one fulfilled in demands and
sated in desires. Perchance you uncover some mechanism within your
bounds, make of it a minstrel and strum a fair tune.
Lucky
number: 11
Gemini:
May 21 - June 21
The answer to your question lies in the pit of a well, centered deep
within solid rock. Search deep in the inverted forests that lie
beneath. Find your well. You may need pickaxes, but various
ultra-nouveau methods of sonar-location may relieve the burden of
work. Once delved into, partake of its flow and you shall feel a lack of
crumpled visage.
Lucky
number: 10
Cancer:
June 22 - July 22
Live always in the future. Cede not to present needs. If needs be,
starve now for the bounty that follows.
Lucky number: 9
Leo:
July 23 - Aug. 22
If you are not a vegetarian, your fortune is set and you shall feel no
pangs of foreshadowed evil. Vegetarians beware. Raise yourself on the
food-chain with haste, or you will surely be ravaged by packs of
snarling, rotting vermin.
Lucky
number: 8
Virgo:
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Beware of the past, but fear not the future. What happened can haunt,
but what will happen cannot scathe until it you have passed.
Lucky number: 7
Libra:
Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
There are enemies lurking everywhere, and only you can see them. Warn
the world of the impending disaster! Prevent the plague of death sure
to come from these hidden terrors! Make known your fears for the
future of mankind! Run around the streets in your underclothes yelling
incoherent things and shaking your fists at the sky! Only you, Libra,
can stop the death of civilized humanity!
Lucky number: ¾
Scorpio:
Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
Up, down, left, and right. Know that a simple movement sends particles
hurling at enormous speeds in all directions. Be prudent! Don't just
move around a whole lot. Consider the repercussions of your actions!
Did you really want to send that proton careening wildly towards that
free-floating atom, causing a violent collision and the breakdown of a
complex molecule into simpler parts? Is that what you intended to do?
I didn't think so. Next time, plan and judge your exertions with care.
Lucky number: 5
Sagittarius:
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
I have a vision. I see a coin, drenched in the warming rays of our
fair sun, resting on a smooth, ivory table. A man of fair aspect whose
wisdom fills the room studies the coin intently, stopping only
periodically for a blink before returning to the curious object. After
a time, the coin quivers. I then see the man stand up, collect his
jacket, and walk on. My vision ends.
Lucky number: 4
Capricorn:
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Oh a fool you may well be, dearest Capricorn. However, heed not the
words of they who to you the aforesaid do proclaim. They are but
ignorant nothings and deserve no better than that afforded to those
who such deeds perform for which is dealt one with harshly.
Lucky number: 3
Aquarius:
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Take a peek in the fishbowl of opportunity. There is the goldfish, the
symbol of impending wealth. And lo, there swims the kingfish, lord of
all who there swim, a fit symbol for power and the search for greater
influence. And alas, the muck sucker, that noble gentleman fish whose
sole purpose is to masticate off of the glass all tendrils of algae,
to make the bowl a safer and cleaner environment for all. Be more like
the muck sucker. With simple delights he pleases himself, and with
that pleasure he brightens the aquarium for all of his avaricious and
devious companions.
Lucky number: 2
Pisces:
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
You will have good luck. I give you permission to sack somebody. Not
anybody too important, nor anyone too well known. Make sure that you
cover your tracks. But feel free to dislodge furious sackage, and know
that your sacking will turn out well.
Lucky number: 1
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